It's ok, to be you!

Be yourself, everyone else is taken!

Oscar Wilde.

I liked me until I was about 5 years old.  Being 5 and starting big school, seemed to have an affect on me. At 5 I guess I became very  negatively aware of me and that awareness lasted until I hit 30!

At 5 I became very aware of the comparison trap we all find ourselves in from time to time. What I didn’t understand, was that I had a choice. I didn’t have to stay in the trap set for me.  I could choose to remove myself just by changing the way I thought about myself.  I knew I didn’t like being compared, as it made me feel unloved and uncared for, as though there was something fundamentally wrong with me and if I just could be like someone else, anyone but me.  I would be a better person and people would like me a lot more!

So I tried really hard to be like the star student in class but she was just too intelligent and I was just too thick! The real me kept showing up especially during maths and spelling time.

At church I tried to shine and be an Angel.  No matter how hard I tried to shine and be admired, it seems that my halo and wings always seem to be dull in comparison to everyone else. As the real me kept coming through and ruining the look.

At home, even being the youngest, cutest, prettiest child seem to make no difference to my parents they wanted me to be just like my big sister and you guessed it, no matter how hard I tried the real me would  show up at the wrong times and ruin my chances. 

No matter how hard I tried to be just like someone else, anyone else but me.  The real me who pop up and do something really stupid to make me look even more stupid than I already felt.  It left me feeling angry, frustrated and looking for attention.  So for 25 year I was in conflict with ME.  Self hating and loathing the real me!  The real me could not be trusted or even left alone for too long as she had the uncanny nach of making a fool of me through wrong choices, wrong attitude, wrong  everything, she was just so wrong.

One day I was sacked from my job.  The real me showed up of course, right on cue, once again.   I was feeling bad about me and being very self conscious and trying very hard, to be anyone, someone other than me. I had ticked off my direct boss who then conspired with the big boss to get rid of me. Although I hated my job and I had only taken it for the money.  It still left me broke, hurting and feeling rejected.  This was the third job I had lost in a year. The other two had been due to redundancy, but I still conclude that it was all fault, for being me!

Why couldn’t I be like everyone else? They had good jobs that paid well and they stayed in them for life. Why couldn’t I be normal like everyone else?   What were people going to think about me now? I felt that, the real me had really messed up this time and maybe there was no coming back from this.

 I would love to say at this point that I just simply pulled myself together and moved on at this point but I didn’t.  Whatever you think, you become!  I spiralled into a deep depression worrying all the time about what other people were thinking about me and I knew that they could not be thinking anything  good  after all I didn’t think anything good about myself.  Self hating, loathing, negative self chatter and the anxiety and fear of what people were thinking and feeling about me keep me in a dark place for a long time.  Until one day I had enough of spending my life in my pyjamas and sleeping my life away.  I wanted a change. I wanted to change me. I wanted to change my life.  So I prayed hard that night! I had been in this place for too long.  One whole year too long!

In the middle of this crazy depression the only place I did go to and make an effort to wear something other that pyjamas was church.  The adults drove me crazy with their pitying looks and asking me every week “Have you found a job yet and what are you doing to get one?” To which I would look away and shuffle mumble something anything just to get them to leave me alone.   The light at the end of a very dark tunnel however was the fact that I had started to teach the children’s Sabbath School. The Kids never questioned my qualification, state of mind or how many times I had filled in and sent out application forms.  They just wanted to have fun and be entertained.  I  Knew just how to connect and with them and show them a good time.  I went back to being 5years old and connected with her.  For the first time in a long time. The real me was given permission by ME to show up and just BE.

She didn’t let me down for a change.  She really seemed to know her stuff.  Somehow she was doing OK.  Instead of making me feel uncomfortable and messing things up she actually made me feel good about myself.  Wow she knew how to bring those bible stories to life and have fun with crafts. She knew how to improvise and think outside the box. The parents began to comment about the good job I was doing and how much their little darlings enjoyed it and how much they looked forward to coming back each week. For the first in a very long time I began to understand and like the real me. I also realised how much I really enjoyed teaching.  I looked forward to it each week  and for the first time. I accepted that it could be something that I may be good at! Up until then it seemed like I had never been good at much else in my life.

Because of this experience my life changed dramatically. I went back to university retrained and got my teacher certificate.  A six year journey, into the magical world of teaching young adults and teens began.  (Not the kind of teaching I had planned, but that’s another story!) I understood for the first time that everything happens for a reason.  Losing my job was the gateway to teaching. No way would I have become a teacher otherwise and I would have missed out on so many valuable  life lessons.

It also kicked started a new relationship with ME.   I had learned that the real me was a good person to have around.  She was reliable and dependable, good in a crisis. All those years of pushing the real me away, and trying to be someone else to please people and make them approve of me, was a poor attempt to fit in somewhere and to gain some self worth and value, from people and from what I did.  This crazy behaviour had left the real me damaged and left the other me, angry and frustrated.   But the real me was a tough cookie and she was determined.  Although shy at times she could be bold and courageous when she needed to be. Each day she grew more confident and comfortable in her own skin.  Learning that self worth and value is a free gift  from God.  Which we are free to accept and give to ourselves.   

I would love to tell you that the people around me loved appreciated and accepted the new improved me and celebrated my new journey, but a lot didn’t and I lost a lot of so called friends. 

 As the new me, wasn’t so easy to manipulate and use and I had learnt the power of the word no! Although it took some time to release the guilt that went with saying no.  I felt free and liberated to like, love, appreciate, approve and accept me for who I was, the good the bad and the ugly.

 I was sent new friend to replace the old ones.  The new ones were better they know how to love me and accepted me for who I am. They speak encouraging, supportive and positive word of approval into my life.  I am finally getting the kind of approval, acceptations, recondition and attention I had always wanted, because I have finally learnt to give all this to myself first. 

I don’t know what your story is and where you are at in your journey.   But what I do know is this.

 IT’S TIME TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOU!

 Stop comparing YOU to others and instead chose to look at the person YOU are and were called and created to be.  It’s a lot less stressful and frustrating.  Forget the person that people want you to be or the person you think you should be and get to know the real YOU. 

With time, understanding and healing. YOU two, can become one and become the best friend you have ever had!

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or leave comment or email me if you have been affected by anything you have read on my blog!